When you are in a relationship with someone, even if the nature of that relationship is undefined, complicated, nebulous, or any other of dozen things, you expect a certain level of respect, especially if you are sleeping with said person. You expect when he makes a promise, he will live up to that promise, that you mean more to him than the fear he so desperately clings to, which keeps pulling him under the riptide, suffocating him and eventually you. It's funny how quickly hate surfaces.
People will never tell you the truth and they will never keep their promises because it's too hard. It's too messy to meet emotions head on and deal with them. No, better to deaden yourself inside, make yourself numb. But you don't know that going in. You think that the things that are said are real, that they mean something, that your presence is appreciated, important, and that dirtiest of dirty words, wanted. It isn't until you've wasted so much of yourself that you discover you never mattered and you never will. It's one thing to be thrown away once, but when it happens time after time, relationship after relationship, what's left? How do you come back from all those little deaths? How many more tiny fractures can you take before you shatter?
I say build your walls and build them high. There are only a handful of people in the world worth knowing anyway.
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This is depressing, but I understand. However, I also understand that the heart is resilient. I don't think there is a limit. I truly think it is physically possible to love and lose every year of our lives. I also think that we can survive each one of these losses, if we want to. The difference is if you choose not to go through it over and over. You certainly have that right to say enough is enough. But if you wanted to continue down the road of "relationships", I don't think it would kill you. <3
ReplyDeleteThis entry reminds me of a poem/poem thingy I wrote when I felt the same way you do..the way a lot of women think.
And what of unconditional love?
Unconditional?
The phrase speaks for itself, an oxymoron in the most complete sense.
Love comes with more then just strings attached.
The "conditions" are endless and all encompassing.
Love is to be given freely and it is not.
And yet, one can only wonder about someone who can love without holding back, who lets emotion flow forth and show the true nature of his soul.
Loves no matter what the cost.
And will continue loving.
If such a person were to exist the results, I assure you, would be catastrophic.