Procreation, Shmocreation

Before I get into this latest rant, I'd like to preface it by saying that I like children. Well, that is, I like certain children. These of course are the offspring of my closest friends and family, and their pictures are plastered across my refrigerator, held in place by various magnets of sometimes inappropriate sentiments. The point is, I am not a hater of children, nor am I a hater of those who choose to have them. I get it. Continuity is imperative to the survival of the species.
However, speaking as a single woman of a certain age who does not have children and doesn't really want them, I am treated, by some, as an oddity of sideshow proportions.

What's the big deal? The way people (especially mothers)look at me when I say that I don't want children is the way I imagine they would look at me if I announced I thought Hitler "was just misunderstood." I mean, really, the look of utter shock and disbelief is almost comical. People are really appalled by it. Suddenly it's about how I "haven't met the right man," or I'll "feel differently one day." No, I'm pretty sure this is it. I'm fairly certain (by fairly certain I mean absolutely positive) I don't, under any circumstances nor with anyone, want to breed. End of story.

So, I ask you, why does my refusal to proliferate mean I am selfish or some kind of second class citizen? How does knowing that maybe being a mother isn't the role for me prove that I am self-absorbed? Self-aware is more accurate. I am good with kids and I love the children in the my life. So why isn't that enough? And why do people act like my life as a single person with no children is less important that theirs? If I were on a sinking ship and they called out "women and children first," would that guarantee me a spot in the lifeboat since, according to some, my life is an abomination in the eyes of Mother Nature?

If I cured Cancer, would that make me important? If I won the Nobel Peace Prize (and hey, they give those to just about anybody these days) would that get people to stop acting so damn condescending? Not everyone should have children. In fact, a lot of people who already have children shouldn't be parents. Being a mother or father doesn't automatically make you a good person or an interesting person or a person of character or substance. You have to be those things already, sans children.

I know it's hard for some to believe, but you can actually live a happy and fulfilled life without having children or getting married. I know, I know, the gasp heard 'round the world, but let us not forget the abundance of important women in history who made huge and great contributions to our world who were both unmarried AND childless: Susan B Anthony, Gertrude Bell, Jane Austen, Elizabeth I of England, The Bronte Sisters, Florence Nightingale and long list of others that I won't bore you with. I almost mentioned Gloria Steinem but then that makes me look like a man hating feminist, and that has become a dirty word as of late, mostly because people are ignorant of its actual meaning, but that is another diatribe for another day.

At any rate, should I end up shriveled and alone, dead at the bottom of my staircase, face eaten by cats, I'm sure mothers of the world will cry out in unity, "told ya so."

The Customer is Always an A-hole

I am not a people person. Big surprise right? However, customers hold a very special place way down in the darkest part inside me where my heart is supposed to be. I hate them with a passion that burns so intensely it could solve the energy crisis. Believe me when I say, the customer is rarely EVER right.

The things customers complain about amaze me. All I can think is that their lives are either so dull or so perfect that something like having to wait in line sends them over the edge. Seriously? In the world we currently live in, you think the biggest travesty to plague humanity is having to wait an extra two minutes in line? Really? And why do people think that spending money at an establishment in the past, entitles them to special privileges in the present? "I've spent hundreds of dollars here over the years . . ." Big deal. "I pay your salary. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have a job." Yes, people have said these things to me.

The real truth of it is that the customer needs the merchant far more than the merchant needs the customer. Where else would said customer go on a random Thursday or Saturday afternoon? By what other means can they measure their lives unless they can buy stuff? Buy, buy, buy. Own, own, own. Gotta have it! Give me a break. Don't act like you are doing me any favors because the truth is, you would cease to exist without your rampant consumerism so chew me.

Bleh.

Optimism is for Amateurs

Happy people, particularly those in love (an especially annoying breed), never understand the effect they have on souls with dispositions less sunny that theirs. They are incapable of comprehending why all their syrupy effrontery - all that saliva, sugar and perspiration - might offend the rest of us. When I say the "rest of us," I mean those of us who understand that life is not all lemon light and sun and gloss. Eternal optimism is a psychosis. That's right kids, sometimes life just blows chunks. Most of the time there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no sliver lining. We're just bumbling around in the dark, overlapping, nudging, bumping into each other without ever making any real connections. And let's face it, we like it that way. Real intimacy freaks us out.

If you find yourself nodding in agreement, welcome home. You are my people. If, however, you find yourself rolling your eyes and sighing heavily or feeling sorry for me and my "negative attitude," you should probably stop reading now because it's only going to get worse.