Broken

When you are in a relationship with someone, even if the nature of that relationship is undefined, complicated, nebulous, or any other of dozen things, you expect a certain level of respect, especially if you are sleeping with said person. You expect when he makes a promise, he will live up to that promise, that you mean more to him than the fear he so desperately clings to, which keeps pulling him under the riptide, suffocating him and eventually you. It's funny how quickly hate surfaces.

People will never tell you the truth and they will never keep their promises because it's too hard. It's too messy to meet emotions head on and deal with them. No, better to deaden yourself inside, make yourself numb. But you don't know that going in. You think that the things that are said are real, that they mean something, that your presence is appreciated, important, and that dirtiest of dirty words, wanted. It isn't until you've wasted so much of yourself that you discover you never mattered and you never will. It's one thing to be thrown away once, but when it happens time after time, relationship after relationship, what's left? How do you come back from all those little deaths? How many more tiny fractures can you take before you shatter?

I say build your walls and build them high. There are only a handful of people in the world worth knowing anyway.

Thirty-Effing-Five

The contents of my fridge are as follows: a gallon of water, a pitcher of iced-tead, ketchup, soy sauce, leftover pasta, an orange, three strawberry yogurts and bottle of Italian dressing. The contents of my wallet: four maxed out credit cards, driver's license, sixty-two cents in nickles and pennies and a movie stub from Hot Tub Time Machine (don't judge it was free).

And so it is. Apparantly my life is where dreams come to die. A friend recently (twenty minutes ago)told me that whenever he talks to me, bad things happen. Happy Birthday to me. Because another candle on this cake is exactly what I need to mark yet another uneventful year.

I'm lookin for a hallelujah!