On the Subject of New Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolutions are stupid and here's why:

1. No one ever sticks to them. The number of people at the gym on any given day a week into January is pretty high. That same gym, three weeks into April is as empty as leper's hospital room. I would also wager that the number of Chantix prescriptions doled out, as well as nicotine patch sales, drops significantly as well. You think the same chode who decided to learn to speak Portuguese can say anything more than, "where is the bathroom" or "can you give me directions to the library" by the end of June? Most people are too weak willed or lazy to actually stick to their resolutions.

2. If you have to set a New Year's Resolution for yourself you've already lost the battle. If the thing you resolve to do were really so significant and important to you, wouldn't you have already done it? Face it, you aren't the best version of yourself that you could possibly be and clearly you're O.K. with it. Why waste the energy?

3. Setting a New Year's Resolution just highlights your faults and shortcomings. For example, if you resolve to read more books, you're just pointing out the fact that you've basically been wasting the past year of your life in front of the television, or computer screen playing WoW, or frequenting strip clubs, or whatever it is that's been keeping you occupied. If you vow to travel more, you've clearly discovered how boring and homogeneous your life has become and who wants to face that?

My advice to those who insist upon setting goals for themselves that revolve around the idea that a new year somehow wipes the slate clean and thus begins a new chapter in your life is simple; don't. If you want your life to be better then just do what you need to do to make it better. If you want to read more, then read more. If you want to lose weight then put down the kitkat and get on the treadmill. It's as simple as that. This way, if you do fail or give up, it's not like you joined the ranks of the fallen who broke their New Year's Resolutions.